The Academy Awards were last night, and I’ll join the nation of chooches commenting on them. First things first, I must say that I did not watch them. These things aren’t like the Grammy’s where I’ll at least DVR that shit so I can watch the performances (side note regarding Grammy performances: get me some of the paper that Cee-Lo’s been lickin’). No, the Oscars are a complete waste of time, and I look forward to the day that the whole show is abolished and we announce winners via leaks and press conferences a la MVP’s and such in sports. So, I would love to comment on how fruity James Franco was and how stunningly adorable Anne Hathaway came across while hosting, but no such luck. I’m sure tits and Saul were exemplary hosts.
The big winner of the night was King’s Speech as it took home best picture and best actor (Colin Firth), among other awards. The Fighter played an admirable second-fiddle, winning both genders’ supporting role awards (Christian Bale & Melissa Leo), and Natalie Portman got the nod for best actress in Black Swan. Of those three movies, I have only seen Black Swan, and yes it would be perfectly reasonable to question my manhood seeing as how I have seen a movie entitled “Black Swan” before seeing one entitled “The Fighter”, but whatever, a fuckin’ movie ticket is 11 dollars these days, I can’t just go shelling that out left and right and sometimes I’m at the mercy of the broad I’m going with. From everything I have heard (not from the media, but from people I actually know, and can touch, and can punch in the face if they’re wrong), King’s Speech deserved every second of praise, as did The Fighter, and for my money, Black Swan was definitely enjoyable and Natalie Portman’s sexy-self deserves every award ever in my book.
I have a question about the nominees for best picture, though. What the fuck? When did 10 movies make the cut for best picture? There aren’t even 10 fuckin movies playing in my local theater right now, why the hell were 10 movies up for the award? I’ve got what the real line-up should have been right here and the cuts that should have happened along the way:
First, take Toy Story 3 out of there. I like Pixar-type movies just as much as the next 5-year old, but I’m not ready to crown any of them picture of the year until one comes along that leads to peace in the Middle East, or Baron Davis joining Jenny Craig (both would be miracles of the same magnitude).
Next, let’s take Winter’s Bone out of there too. Didn’t see it (I do plan to), but any movie title that can seamlessly double as a porno cannot win picture of the year (I already have a title for the sequel- Winter’s Bone 2: Jacking Frost).
Next, let’s take out True Grit. I love Jeff Bridges (The Dude abides), but I saw this flick and any movie with Matt Damon NOT starring as an ass-kicking secret agent or a disheveled poop-cleaner is not Oscar material, plus that little girl was fuckin ANNOYING.While we’re at it, 127 Hours, you’re gone, just because if Franco didn’t win anything for Pineapple Express, he doesn’t get anything, EVER. The Kids Are All Right and The Social Network, you’re the next two to hit the chopping block. Definitely enjoyable movies, but they’re just on there to raise the Academy’s street cred. I know this is how these two came about their nominations:
Random Academy Exec 1: “We’re really falling out of favor with our younger demographic, what can we do about this?”
Random Academy Exec 2: “I got it, let’s nominate that Facebook movie for Picture of the Year. Those kids love doing that Facebook thing, they’ll definitely respect us if we do that. And, while we’re at it, let’s JOIN Facebook. This way, we can friend our kids, and, slowly, all of our kids’ friends, so we can keep watch on everything that’s COOL.”
RAE 1: “Excellent idea. I praise your intuition, I’ve always wanted to extend my awkwardness into a realm of communication that’s cool with my kids so maybe they confuse it with style and grace.”
RAE 2: “I know it, me too. Know what else we can do? We can nominate that movie about the same-sex parents, all those young democrats will really respect us then.”
RAE 1: “Yes, brilliant! We’ll be in their favor in no time, it’ll be like we’re talking right to them: “We see you out there, twittering and facebooking for your gay rights and world peace. We see you, and we applaud you.”
RAE 2: “Right! But they won’t win though.”
RAE 1: “Oh, no. No fucking chance.”
So that leaves us with four nominees: The Fighter, The King’s Speech, Black Swan, and Inception. I’m being very kind by allowing Inception to stay in the race, because really, any movie that can’t be explained by its own director should not be allowed to win any awards, (Read Chris Nolan’s half-assed attempt at artistic ambiguity here: http://www.wired.co.uk/magazine/archive/2011/01/play/inception-director-lives-the-dream)
Now that we have the true nominees for picture of the year, we proceed on like this. Inception does not win, see above for reasoning. Black Swan is out, because, well it’s a movie about ballet, and we’re not the French. Of the final two, we have a movie about the times of a real-life, bad-ass Irish boxing legend, and a movie about a stuttering King George VI who battles against the odds (see: the white, upper-class verison of Radio). Common sense tells us, this is America, we gotta have the Irish Rocky winning this, no? No, exactly. The King’s Speech in a landslide because, well, we’re not French but we’re damn near English, and this is ART!
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