Sometimes When I’m Alone I Cry,

The late great Tupac Shakur penned this line in his poem I Cry, he went on to say I cry, cause I am on my own/The tears I cry are bitter and warm/ They flow with life but take no form. This past weekend, the Miami Heat have apparently begun to tire of their Me against the world attitude, as Coach ‘Spo told the media after the Heat’s 87-86 loss to the Bulls on Sunday: “This is painful for every single one of us to go through this, there are couple of guys crying in the locker room right now, it is not a matter of want,”

Crying. He said crying. The coach of the Miami Heat just told us that there were a few of his players crying in the locker room due to their loss. The Miami Heat, a member of the National Basketball Association. There were grown men on that team crying due to reasons unrelated to death or severe constipation. The same league that brought you the Malice at the Palace now has players crying after losing a game in early March. The loss drops the Heat to 43-20, and puts them in the 3rd seed for the playoffs, but they’re still well within striking distance of clinching the top seed, and players were crying?!

The only excuses to cry in an NBA locker room are because you’ve just won a championship and Ron Artest accidentally got some Hennessey in your eye during the celebration, or if  Tony Allen owes you some money from a card game and refuses to make good on his payment. Then, and only then are you allowed to shed a single, Native American tear.

Fuck, I haven’t cried since 4th grade when I had to take a shit so bad I ran straight to the bathroom at the beginning of the school day and Nesquiked the bowl with all my winter gear on, only to accidentally drop one of my gloves right into the fray. Needless to say, my tears froze on my face on the singly-gloved walk home that afternoon. And for those of you who say “why didn’t you pull the glove out and wash it off?” Well, you obviously do not understand the mess that a 10 year-old kid who fell asleep the night before after downing 3 cans of Mug and a package of Swedish Fish can make come morning time. It was bubbly, the shit was bubbly…who makes bubbly terds other than witches and gay porn stars?

But I digress. So, the LeBronites (pronounced Le-Bruh-Nites)clearly did not have any Mug  in their systems, so what the hell are they doing? I can’t help but picture LeBron and D-Wade in the locker room, carrying on like a crazed Britney fan as they caress each others shoulders, lamenting “Why does everyone hate us?! After all we’ve been through?! Whyyyy?!” That has to be how it went down. There’s no way in hell any of these grown men were crying after losing to an excellent Bulls team. Unless maybe they realize this Bulls team has had 14 of their 18 losses take place away from the Chi. Even then, maybe you could get mad enough to Artest a camera, but I don’t know about crying.

Granted, the Heat have easily become the most hated team in the NBA. And, I don’t care how bad ass you are, nobody likes to be hated (unless you’re Ozzie Guillen, but that guy sits on Cacti for fun). The Heat’s own fans don’t even like them (they have 2 of the best players of this generation on their team and still finish a close 5th in average home attendance, and most of those fans come in for the start of the 2nd quarter, and leave by the end of the 3rd). So even if they’re a distant 3rd on a list of favorite things to do for South Beachers (behind blow and shooting porn flicks), can’t these guys take some solace in being paid millions to be average? Maybe that’s it, maybe they feel bad for letting everyone down with their performance. “Outside, the Miami Heat are exactly what everyone wanted, losing games. The world is better now since the Heat is losing.” – Dwyane Wade. Well, that cuts that branch off of the possibility tree. The world obviously is a better place now since the Heat is losing. I think Obama could run a re-election campaign based solely on that premise, “Yeah, we’re still financially FUCKED, but…uh… The Heat, yeah they’re losing, and…they’re fucking CRYING!…Change!”

A lot of athletes have thrived on the me against the world mantra. Jordan and Kobe raped (no pot shot at the Kobe) the world using that ideology. Rulon Gardner literally went up against the world and wrestled them all into submission (then he went on to EAT the world after crashing his snowmobile in the middle of nowhere and losing some toes in a story fit for a future James Franco starring film). But, for some reason, the LeBronites just can’t handle being the bad guys. I think LeBron thought it would be easy. The dude got his way his entire life. He coasted all the way into a cushy role as the star on a star-laden team, and he figured, along with most of America, The Angel of Stern would just hand him the title come summertime. He didn’t expect any hardships along the way, and so he now has resorted to doing what every other spoiled brat does when they don’t get their way- throws a tantrum.

Holyyyyyy SHIT, am I glad LeBron didn’t sign in New York.

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