• Follow The Universe on WordPress.com
  • Advertisements

Frank Martin: “I’ve got issues…”


Heeeere’s Franky

ESPN-“I screwed up,” Martin said Friday, a day after the school suspended him for Saturday’s regular-season finale at Mississippi State. “I’m not perfect. I’ve got issues and I’ve got to work through them.”

Would have never, EVER guessed that Frank Martin had personal issues he needed to work through. Sure, I’ve seen more diversity inside of a Springfield check cashing bodega than I have on Frank Martin’s google image page but I didn’t think his perpetual loaf pinching face meant he was potentially unstable. Really makes me question my own sanity…

In other surprising news this week a 6’10”, 210 lb. 19-year old black dude has the most potential upside of all NBA rookies, Asians are as bad at flying as they are at driving, and I dropped at 45-wiper this morning.


The Annual ‘Phil Jackson Is Ready to Coach Again’ Story…


PJ in his PJs…3 Bong rips deep

ESPN– Phil Jackson is “ready to go back to work,” a source with knowledge of his thinking told ESPN.com on Friday…He would not consider any coaching position that did not have a significant guarantee of personnel power as well, sources said.

Sources previously told ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith that New York Knicks president and general manager Steve Mills recently met with Jackson regarding the possibility of him becoming the team’s next coach. The sources said Jackson, 68, told the Knicks he was not interested in the position.

A source, meanwhile, confirmed to ESPNNewYork.com’s Ian Begley that the Knicks have offered Jackson a front-office position.

You know why Phil Jackson is always smiling? Because he’s stuffed with so much friggin money it’s coming out of his asshole and tickling his taint. The guy’s clearly shown he’s a great coach…of teams loaded with egos…from stars…and superstars. Yet for some reason all these teams keep throwing money at him to be a “basketball consultant”

I can’t even hate, but the jealousy within me is at OJ/Ron Goldman levels. For any NBA fan, you ask them their dream NBA job that’s not being a superstar and they’d say something along the lines of “I wish I could work like 2 months out of the year and on 1-2 days in those two months I’d walk right into the sloppiest of the shit’s front offices, sit down, comb over their rosters, tell them they suck, head to the bathroom, stall spank (not flush), go back to the car (Benz, Bentley…probably hybrid), rip a couple bowl hits, go back into the offices, bang the owner’s daughter, tell them they need a superstar, extend my hand for payment, then cash the 1-2 million dollar on the way home”

Maybe not ANY NBA fan’s dream job. Some may say be a mediocre role player, get high, have 30 kids and repeat…but the point is Phil lives the fucking dream.

Other Kansas/OkSt. Takeaways…

Eddie Sutton posted up

Eddie Sutton posted up in his day

Some other things I learned while watching yesterday’s Kansas/Oklahoma State game:

  • Marcus Smart is in DIRE need of ProActiv. Every time they did a close-up of him on the court his face, neck and arms looked like the back of a fucking toad. I was convinced it was some form of the measles but then I was like no way man, measles are damn near extinct these days. Oh, fuck.
  • At one point the camera flashed to the crowd and zoomed in on Eddie Sutton. The real-life inspiration for Jeff Dunham’s puppet dude, Eddie’s always been an ugly bastard. But holy shit the booze has taken a toll on him. He looked like he’d been to Korea, got the clap, cured it, went to ‘Nam, got the clap, cured it, went to Stillwater, got alcoholism and then never cured it. While this brief bio is actually 99% true (he got alcoholism in Lexington), Sutton’s looking his age (117).
  • Joel Embiid is the next great big man prospect, and just like the majority of the previous great big man prospects he’s going to be a never-ending injury. Embiid is freakishly athletic and tremendously skilled for a fucking giant and to save all the hyperbole you’ve heard on every ESPN college basketball show, the dude is scary good on offense which is almost always a weak spot for big men at this  level. That being said, he fell awkwardly in the second half, wrenched his back and never looked to be healthy the rest of the game and you heard it here first- the rest of his career. People aren’t supposed to be that fucking big never mind basketball players. People honestly die from being that big so is it unreasonable that we can expect Embiid to squander his potential from various injuries? He’ll probably go #1 overall, not much question there, the real question is what body part(s) will be his undoing…Feet? Back? Knees? Shins?
  • Despite their talent, Kansas will not make the Sweet 16. Unless Bill Self can pull of the coaching job of the century, this is not a title contender. Bill Self gets a freak class of Freshmen and he can’t do shit with ’em. People overlook Coach Cal’s coaching abilities saying he always has the best players but what they don’t understand is when they’re all young and inexperienced, talent only helps so much. Kansas turns the ball over WAY too much and the only thing some mid-major squad has to do to beat these guys is out rebound them.
  • I’m tired of court-storming. I never thought I’d get to this point as it never was anything I gave two shits about but shit, act like you’ve been there before, bros.

A Tale of Two Smarts…

ProActiv's next urban achiever

ProActiv’s next urban achiever

Unranked Oklahoma State took down No.5 Kansas at home yesterday. Prior to the game I saw Joe Lunardi putting Kansas as one of his 4 regional #1 seeds for the NCAA tournament and I think that can be put to rest after this loss. I’m not sure this was that great of a win for the up and down Cowboys, despite it likely ensuring they’ll be in the tourney, but it was certainly an impressive showing by Marcus Smart. For Smart, it was all about his turn-around in the second half after he literally shit the bed Trainspotting-style in the first half.

Smart scored 20 of his 21 points in the second half and what was most impressive was how he adjusted his game after being so utterly unimpressive shooting the ball in the first half. I think he was something like 0 for 7 from the field in the first half yet he continued to jack threes like he was JR Smith. It was ugly, but he came out in the second half and did what he does best- play physical, fast-paced basketball by running the floor and getting the ball to the rim.

I’m still not sold on Smart’s NBA potential, however. Obviously, he can’t shoot to save his fucking life. Really. If Kim Jong-un had Smart chained in a field (not cotton, come on bro) with 30 rabid dogs at the ready and all Smart had to do was hit an open 25-footer there’s a 98% chance he’d be eaten alive.

I also think his defense is way overhyped. Sure, he can lock down the TCU & Oklahoma & Texas Tech, etc. point guards out there (I have zero interest in google-ing these guys and I can’t for the life of me remember any Big 12 PGs outside of Smart & Baylor’s Kenny Cherry/Gary Franklin) but what’s he going to do against NBA PGs?

I think his NBA future is at SG, and well, when you give me a list of the 10 best in the NBA at a position and your list has Gordon Hayward, Kyle Korver, Danny Green, and Jimmy Butler on it then you can assume that position is not where the best go to play. He’s a tank though, and extremely competitive so while I think he can develop into an All-Star I’m NOT picking him if I have a top-5 pick the draft and I’d have to think long and hard about top-10 as well.

Richie Incognito Is A Nut…

Richie...owning the devil on his shoulder

Richie…owning the devil on his shoulder

Richie Incognito is undergoing treatment at a psych ward…honestly. I really can hardly believe it myself.

In other surprising news Russia is taking military action on a former Soviet Republic, the Knicks are an embarrassment to the NBA, Chris Bosh supports a ban on homosexual slurs (such a queer), Jonathan Martin is a pussy, and I took a sloppy dump this morning.


Lebron's much ballyhooed facial tire

Lebron’s much ballyhooed facial tire

As the late, great Rick James once said “The milk’s gone bad, Charlie Murphy!” Lebron James, everyone’s favorite villain…wait…he led the league in jersey sales last year? Oh, well…then all these “haters” must be buying his jersey just to burn it then, right? Maybe they needed to warm their homes, or clean their dumpers? Maybe they own a gerbil ranch and they need fabric for them to chew up and turn into beds and shit?

Or…maybe…Lebron’s without a doubt the most beloved NBA superstar, and possibly the most beloved athlete in the continental United States? (Dog the Bounty Hunter has that title on LOCK if we allow Hawaiian entrants) I think that’s the most likely of cases here, in fact, that’s a fact. Sure, I don’t like the guy because he’s as contrived as my memories of slaying Katy Perry, but I  wouldn’t say I’m a “hater” by any means.

He’s the best I’ve seen since Jordan, and he may eventually be the best all-around player ever. But just because I think his mask makes him look like a fucking retard (it’s 2014, you can only say the R-word if it really fits) does NOT make me a “hater.” It makes me a realist and at first I was slightly impressed as I thought this was a Lebron original. Then I learned that Kobe and Kyrie Irving had worn black masks in the past and I slapped myself for ever thinking the name Lebron could ever be linked to the word “original.” Unless you count “Lebron stole it from ______ who originally did it…”


Two years later I’m back and I ‘d be hesitant to say “better than ever…” I’m now a home owner being compensated (semi-well to well) by a great company for doing a job that I thoroughly enjoy yet I’m more poor than ever. I literally just collected sticks and pine needles in my backyard to burn for heat so I can just for a brief moment delay the never-ending waterfall of heating oil. I really need to get a sugar mama up in this bitch.

Sob story aside, I’ve got a little bit of free time these days so let’s see what we can do here.

Gold chains & dicky-do's

Gold chains & dicky-do’s